8th July 2015, i will remember

8th July 2015 started pretty normal for me. up from my much little sleep and head to the shower. got into mom's room and waved at her good morning. 
got out of the shower, looked at her shivering cold from the shower and went into my room to get changed. as usual, i rushed out of the house trying to beat the traffic to work.

that day, she passed on at home. rushed home to look at her lying on her bed trembled me but i had to put on a front cause need to prepare. ok, called the doctor, and got to the police station for the death certificate. all this done till i broke down at the police station. it was raining cat's and dogs and i can't leave the station.

a million things went through my head and going through what i should do and what i shouldn't do. head on home and arrived to a house feeling empty. a few people came in hurriedly and asking if this or that is done. i think we practically got it all covered but just waiting for time for the burial next day.

fast forward, six days later (now) sitting up in my room and not at work. spent my days grieving and still is now. went through the msg's on my Facebook account. it was a teary read. very. friends came in throngs to help and soothing words of console us the family. i'm very grateful for their presence in a time like this.

i need this. I need this time to grieve and i don't think i'm ready for work at least till the end of ramadhan. 

8th July 2015, the saddest day of my life. the day when mommy left me. I will remember this day for a long time.

sitting up here at the dining table just after lunch. had some potatoes and chillies just now. yea, I try to keep what I eat as easy as I can. read more and more crazy stuffs here on the internet. I mean, besides snapshots of news from facebook and posts that people put up now and then.
yea, I could have packed up my bag and drive out and head out north but i'm here home overlooking mom. yea, she's doing well these days now that she's out of the hospital.
the weather looks good and it sure feels like going out there and getting some sunlight. I've been busy putting my movies in sequence for tonight, cause i'm planning of staying in later. yea, I think I need ice cream to be in place too. which kind if you ask, i'd prefer the ben n jerry's kind. phish food and peanut butter.
one of the things that's also making me busy all the time is putting together a playlist in my ipod. I think I have every occasion worked out for. it used to be just for running and for the gym... now, it's for driving different parts of the day. like in the morning, or on the way home after work... or even going out after work calls for a playlist.
as I got together with some friends over dinner and some laughing gas, we kindda went ahead talking about our workplace. it occurs to me that, companies big or small have different take on giving out bonuses. some are purely discretionary while others are come suck me and you get your bonus, while others who works for the big brother just receive! and the thing about 13 month pay has it's different variations. no, I wont rake in the some authority to even look at this, but workplaces really get the best of whatever they want from you and not knowing it's the workers that makes the machine or the chemistry of the office tick! in a bigger picture, they need us too.
workplaces now danced on how they want us to follow the rhythm not knowing they can't even be follow the drum beat to dance. with the rhythm and tune going that way and they're dancing the trance [in their head}in the other way, people just look in embarrassment and not even making eye contact to tell the out of rhythm dancer to stop and giving it an approval smile. how plastic and office politics tactics.
yes, thinking of having coffee right now. as i'm doing just that, part of me says that maybe I should have bought the nespresso machine for Christmas for myself. oh, and yes, I love the toffee nut latte from starbucks. it always reminds me the December holiday period. ya, I know.... the merry making and the anticipation of the big fat bonus in my account! {still wishful thinking} or on the other hand, I can always make myself one from those 3 in one coffee mix. yea, I keep thinking about it all the time but maybe it's time for me to move on to another greener pasture. ok, lets think about it a little. i'm over 40.... or 42 to be exact, been in the current trade since 93. till now. thinking what other possibilities I might wanna get myself interested in. ever since I took first aid and caring for mom and dad, I really got interested in paramedic services and also medical in trauma services in hospitals. so far, I've been reading and most to most watch it on youtube. I love those series and would always check for the latest. oh yea, there are a few courses in our local hospital offering trauma. i'm sure I won't get funding from my workplace, but i'm driven to call up WDA for somekind on monetary assistance in subsidising lifelong learning skills. lets just try. I might save someones life.

sitting up in my room on a stormy wee hours of the morning. i had crashed earlier on coming home from the gym. yes, finally, i found a gym! not that it's difficult to be in a gym but i'm very disgusted at many of the plans offered. they make you sign up for 2 yrs and then they push it by trying to sell you lifetime membership.

ok, i'm happy with the gym i'm with right now. thats that. i'm tempted to start another blog. yea, a fresh start. i think everyone should be given that opputunity to start something new. it could be turning into a new leaf. i believe we can all change. it's either for the good or the not so good.

wow, it's really pouring outside the window. those silent or far away thunders and the sound of the pouring rain is a perfect indgredient to write or just to sleep in. it reminded me of a series of cd compilation i had under the hed kandi series quiet storm or deeper. fantastic mark doyle's compilation. they were really good till they hit the wall later years cause they keep releasing the same stuffs.

hmv closed in singapore. thats like the last cd megastore around. it use to haven here with tower records and book. they went defunct earlier but i have to admit, i love killing time there just looking for cd or just educating myself with what they have. it's the experience of holding it and looking at how many tracks did the artiste released on that album. and what now, how are we going to buy music????

oh yea, there's itunes singapore!

well, what do you know..... three years have passed on and let me give you a lowdown.

i'm so done with studying and plus, I did not pull through that school phrase. yea, I have to admit that it was tough trying to piece things together all the time and the running around.

where do I begin, oh yeah. dad can move now. he's improved a lot for the past 3 years. mom also fall sick right after I got better from that sick ordeal. mom got worst with complications and I was really practically loosing my head. no joke and things around me did not make it any better. I can't help it, no... not any better.

things start to progress on to medical appts for mom and putting her back to the hospital clinic appt. was the best thing for both of us. the thing is, public healthcare did not help. well I can see all this from the many walk in's old folks at the polyclinic. these old folks gotta wait like forever before they can see the doctor. that is after a lot of confusion waiting.

confuse waiting you ask, first they are led to the wrong counter or wrong line. this is due because they can't here or maybe because of mobility. I feel for these old folks. for them who came with someone or with their kids or helper it's fine.... for many, they came alone. alone.

yes, there's a lot of things that made me sigh these days but sometimes you need to let all of these negative emotions pass on cause it's really not good. really.... not good at all.

but the most important thing is, mom is home and she's happy.

as for me, i'm sitting up in my room and going on and on, on my laptop. i'm actually trying to get some work done here but thought i'd side track a little. yes I feel tired fast later but hey, anything to keep me sane. with the recent reports about ppl letting off their steam in public or just loosing their mind shows something about our society now. people are more stressed up now then before and situations here is not helping. it's like forget about reading local news. I say, no news is good news. so no news reading on local stuffs. i'm happier.

now that 3 yrs have past since my last post let me tell you this, 2010 was my last full marathon. I've not ran after that and it's taking toll on my health. i'm due to start soon because I've found a gym. gosh, it's back to square one for me but I gotta do it. I have to start slow on the treadmill. I blame it all on my health downfall. the blood counts. ok, lets just do it and I have a report pretty soon.

I'm just wondering, who reads to the stuff I put up here. I know I'm going on and on again but, it would be fantastic to know who's reading. ok ok ok ok.... I know, no one reads mind cause its all boring. but then again, we live in Singapore, what could be exciting!!!!! hahahahaha.... ok, I've yacked enough and would leave some room next time.

long time no see

i know that it's been a long time and all, but i do have reasons. not that i have to explain myself but then again, i am busy. gosh, running around means really running around. these past few months have been hectic.

last few weeks for example, a friend of mine arrived in singapore for a visit. and at the same time, my father had fallen ill. i have to say, we were pretty shock cause he's always been the strong one. not until april. took him to the hospital and we were pretty quick or otherwise the result would not been that good.

it caught me by surprise cause i have forgotten everything else i needed to do. i even fell sick. i think it's from all the running around and traveling to the hospital and all that. through that course of ordeal, i have missed my so call graduation, my first class to a new course that i picked up, appointments (thanks to my blackberry for all the reminders!)birthdays, photo-shoot and pitching apts.

i do hope things would get better in the near future and would fall into place. like, it was like a bad dream waking up to the news and hearing car prices have shot up because of the COE hike. jeeeezzzzz, it's not that public transport is cheap either in this island!

anyhoos, i got to make myself better these days to look after my old parents cause i haven't been well. it must be the weather too..... my immune system is breaking down and i know why. it's because i don't get that much time out to run or do my excercise!!!! oh gosh, i really hope things would get better for us and for me too. and hope my exams would be a breeze. i really want this so bad..... so so so badly!!!!

oh please god, i wanted this for the longest time. pleas please.......

for something i feel right at the moment..... this shot was done long time ago and please ignore the annotations.

yong kai+winnie

yong kai + winnie union from assortedimages on Vimeo.

hung kang

trust the process

there's something about leaving something behind. be it, your life, your girlfriend, your country, your friends or maybe your hobby. i've become a pro at change. so much so, that i think that i'm a chameleon. able to adapt to whatever environment that i'm in. but sometimes, you just are what you are and it's really ok.

it's been almost a year or at least half a year since my last blog. yes, my aunt passed on and life moves on. people come and people go. some are the ones you loved and some are the ones you spend too much time with in the past. yes, we all make plans and somehow through that course, or the process, somethings screws up and then you stand back and tell yourself, ok, what now?

i think the whole thing is, yes.... we do fall and we do take time to get up or for some, refuse to get up. but we all must learn to continue on from whichever point we stopped.

i've went through many phrases in my life. too many to mention but i did it with all my heart. love for the moment and live it well. yes, the sentimental part of it lingers on, but i feel, if you're done your best. thats all that matters.

we're all in search of something. love, career, wealth, health, perfect partner, nice body and nice car. but we all forget to trust the process.

actually, this might come to an end for this blog forbidden colours. this blog have been through quite alot with me. through with some bad shit and good shit. i will embark on a new journey. where to, i don't know. i trust the process

LOST

this month came and going soon after. people in my life come and go to. some went for a long time and then came back, i hope they're back for good. but who am i to say,
cause i can't make them stay if they don't want to. i think you do know that we're all living on borrowed time. time is the essence and time also heals everything that hurt you.
yes, somehow our reason for not making things happen in our life is also time. we have no time to visit, or no time to have dinner with a long lost friend or even a phone call.
funny thing, you'd only realized when it's abit too late.
this month, my family lost our auntie. a very close aunty. so close that she lived few blocks away. she is one women that would feed me. she feeds my family, take me in (in refuge)
i'm glad that we were all there beside her the day before she passed on. but my regret is that, i didn't visit her during my lunch break. she left us that afternoon in her sleep peacefully.

i liked her movies. simple and yet so strong. bilingual and also in all true spirit of malaysian heart! i wanted to know about her and so i googled her and also YOUTUBE'ed her and
found her interviews. she appears to be simple and yet smart. there's something about how she talks. no airs and yet you want to listen to her. i may not know her personally, but
i know, i could have had chemistry with her. she would be missed by many of her friends all over the world, people who worked with her, or even new friends that she could have made
in this life time and of course her family. i'm sure she have made her name in world arena of art house movies. rest in peace. amin!

the sound of his music made me dance. i particularly liked Off The Wall album! don't stop till you get enough is my killer track. it always made me feel happy and felt like getting up
and dance. i got abit sad when he start to change. i mean, i'm sure we all know how much he had change. like he's the fairest of them all, the chin, diana ross look.... and the list goes
on. he's really a people person. and i'm sure there's alot of love in him. what a way to go. oh yes, i forgot! there's this track from the Jackson's 5, Can You Feel It!!!! it's a disco ANTHEM!

monkeying n dunking

haven't realized, it's been awhile.... yes, been so busy lately and for the longest time. been busy with a wholelotta things.

firstly, the long overdue website that i've been toying the idea about. been going back and forth with some ideas and finally settled with the colour and everything else.

been running alot and looking forward for my next run in Kuala Lumpur. yes, it's also my first break after a long time. it wont take me far, but what dream to have like a week off from work!

i played basket ball with friends from the office. shit, i love this game man.